Wow. Wish my wife and I had this kind of intro to NFP and considerations beyond “if it’s not abortion, it’s okay” (which turned out to be false) earlier in our marriage. We’ve since found NFP, but implore our engaged friends to consider these things. This will now be a resource we send these friends. Thank you for your work in blessing the Church!
I always feel like an outlier in these conversations because we pursued permanent contraception when our union began to feel like a sick inversion of God’a creativity, having produced two babies who died in the early second trimester for unclear reasons, but possibly my chronic illness. (And already having two kids whose lives I was missing with morning sickness, grief, trauma, recovery time, and postpartum illness flares.) The reasons why we did it are too many and too private to go into here, and I have even learned better than one of them since. I can say that pursuing further pregnancies would have felt like saying that what God had given me wasn’t enough and I had to sideline my living kids to take charge of my own fertility destiny, pursuing risky pregnancies and treatments and specialist care and likely more loss. I know people who would think I was cowardly or faithless. But as of now, I wouldn’t change it. But permanent contraception feels like a very murky area to me the way that apparently some of these other issues (abortion, IVF, surrogacy, having or not having children only for personal fulfilment) feel murky to other people, although they seem clear to me. Have I just copped out of virtue at the point where it happened to get hard in *my* life? I don’t think so, although perhaps I’ll learn better when I can see clearly in the new creation.
My own story has made me more aware of how the idolatry around fertility control also gets applied in pursuit of more kids, not only fewer. Something that is also not discussed in Protestant circles because of the mistaken belief that all fertility treatments & work-arounds are pro-life.
Anyways, this is good stuff, all that you’ve written. Way to get the conversation going in your space!
I am so sorry for your losses Martha. I hope the Lord has granted you comfort and joy in the midst of that sorrow. I do not think the decision you made was cowardly or faithless based on your circumstances.
However, I believe your circumstances to be the exception, not the rule, in terms of permanent contraception. All of the families I know who have chosen some sort of permanent sterilization simply did not want any more. No health reasons. More children simply was inconvenient or sounded tiring to them. There are certainly reasons where permanent sterilization is acceptable - i.e. preserving the life of the mother if her body could not handle another pregnancy (I know a story about one woman who suffered a heart attack in her last pregnancy and she and her husband chose to cease having children after this). But I think this is not the typical reason families pursue vasectomies, etc.
There certainly can be idolatry around fertility - one should not make child bearing and rearing equivalent to salvation. But I think these cases are more rare - at least in the Protestant circles I am in. In my own (limited) experience, people tend to have an underdeveloped appreciation for the theology of the family - not an over-idealized one. Our culture at large certainly does not idolize children but self.
Around the time of my miscarriages is when I started paying more attention to the world of assisted reproductive technology. (Probably because hearing /reading other people’s miscarriage stories led me there.) That is generally where I see an idolatry of offspring (or as I call it, the cult of the biological child). And I see so, so few people in Protestant circles questioning it. These issues are all tangled up together, one big knot of control that we are trying to wrestle from God’s hands.
Thank you for this thoughtful conversation, Shelby! Well done.
Wow. Wish my wife and I had this kind of intro to NFP and considerations beyond “if it’s not abortion, it’s okay” (which turned out to be false) earlier in our marriage. We’ve since found NFP, but implore our engaged friends to consider these things. This will now be a resource we send these friends. Thank you for your work in blessing the Church!
I’m so glad this was helpful! Thank you for your kind words!
This was beautiful and helpful to me right now; thank you ❤️
Thank you 🫶🏻 I’m so glad :)
So wise! I really enjoyed every part, Shelby!
🫶🏻🫶🏻
I always feel like an outlier in these conversations because we pursued permanent contraception when our union began to feel like a sick inversion of God’a creativity, having produced two babies who died in the early second trimester for unclear reasons, but possibly my chronic illness. (And already having two kids whose lives I was missing with morning sickness, grief, trauma, recovery time, and postpartum illness flares.) The reasons why we did it are too many and too private to go into here, and I have even learned better than one of them since. I can say that pursuing further pregnancies would have felt like saying that what God had given me wasn’t enough and I had to sideline my living kids to take charge of my own fertility destiny, pursuing risky pregnancies and treatments and specialist care and likely more loss. I know people who would think I was cowardly or faithless. But as of now, I wouldn’t change it. But permanent contraception feels like a very murky area to me the way that apparently some of these other issues (abortion, IVF, surrogacy, having or not having children only for personal fulfilment) feel murky to other people, although they seem clear to me. Have I just copped out of virtue at the point where it happened to get hard in *my* life? I don’t think so, although perhaps I’ll learn better when I can see clearly in the new creation.
My own story has made me more aware of how the idolatry around fertility control also gets applied in pursuit of more kids, not only fewer. Something that is also not discussed in Protestant circles because of the mistaken belief that all fertility treatments & work-arounds are pro-life.
Anyways, this is good stuff, all that you’ve written. Way to get the conversation going in your space!
I am so sorry for your losses Martha. I hope the Lord has granted you comfort and joy in the midst of that sorrow. I do not think the decision you made was cowardly or faithless based on your circumstances.
However, I believe your circumstances to be the exception, not the rule, in terms of permanent contraception. All of the families I know who have chosen some sort of permanent sterilization simply did not want any more. No health reasons. More children simply was inconvenient or sounded tiring to them. There are certainly reasons where permanent sterilization is acceptable - i.e. preserving the life of the mother if her body could not handle another pregnancy (I know a story about one woman who suffered a heart attack in her last pregnancy and she and her husband chose to cease having children after this). But I think this is not the typical reason families pursue vasectomies, etc.
There certainly can be idolatry around fertility - one should not make child bearing and rearing equivalent to salvation. But I think these cases are more rare - at least in the Protestant circles I am in. In my own (limited) experience, people tend to have an underdeveloped appreciation for the theology of the family - not an over-idealized one. Our culture at large certainly does not idolize children but self.
Thank you for all your thoughts and support!!
Around the time of my miscarriages is when I started paying more attention to the world of assisted reproductive technology. (Probably because hearing /reading other people’s miscarriage stories led me there.) That is generally where I see an idolatry of offspring (or as I call it, the cult of the biological child). And I see so, so few people in Protestant circles questioning it. These issues are all tangled up together, one big knot of control that we are trying to wrestle from God’s hands.
Yes I do think that that the idolatry problem would be especially prevalent in infertility treatments and in IVF circles.