Part Final: Birth Control and the Purpose of Marriage

A Protestant view.

This is the third and final part of my Protestant argument against contraception and for the pursuit of children in marriage as an integral part its theological significance. After three years of really wrestling with these ideas, I have so enjoyed putting them to paper. Ultimately I hope what I have put forth is encouraging and sanctifying!

---

God’s Practical and Eschatological Purpose for Marriage

As marriage and birth control are so tied together, it is prudent for one to ask – what is the purpose of marriage? Let us turn to Scripture to find both the practical and eschatological vision God provides for marriage.

The Bible begins with a marriage and ends with a marriage. The first marriage we witness in Genesis 1 is between a man and a woman. This supplies a grounding principle for marriage – it must be between a man and woman to fulfill a) God’s command in Genesis 1 to multiply and b) God’s eschatological vision where man represents Christ and the woman the Church.

In Revelation, where the final marriage occurs, we see the Lamb, Jesus, and the Bride, the Church, fully and forever united. Paul illuminates the purpose of marriage when he writes:

“‘Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:31-32).

The one flesh union is important because it reveals the profound reality that Christ is the Great Husband of the Church. The love of a husband for his wife is meant to demonstrate the love that drove Jesus to die for his Bride so that she might be washed clean and given eternal, abundant life. Every earthly marriage in some way mirrors this ultimate reality. In marriage, we witness the unrestrained love of God for his people. The practical purpose of marriage, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it,” is also part of this vision. The one-flesh union of marriage is so miraculous because it is literally life-giving, just as Christ’s love for the Church gives life. Therefore, how can an intentionally sterilized (whether momentarily, temporarily, or permanently) marriage represent this life-giving reality?

C.S. Lewis illuminates how “falling in love” can lead to a certain kind of selflessness. He states:

“Spontaneously and without effort we have fulfilled the law (towards one person) by loving our neighbor as ourselves. It is an image, a foretaste, of what we must become to all if Love Himself rules in us without a rival. It is even (well used) a preparation for that” (Lewis 114).

That being said, Lewis goes on to describe that Eros (the kind of love that exists between lovers) cannot remain selfless if it is not given over to God. He again expounds on the theme that nothing that has not died can rise again –

“The god (Eros) dies or becomes a demon unless he obeys God” (Lewis 115).

Love that does not give of itself devours itself. We witness this in the encroachment of contraception upon Christian marriages in the last century. The sterilization of marriage removes a certain quality of selflessness from it. When love exists only for itself and not for others, or in other words, when marriage exists only for the lovers and not for the benefit of the children it may produce, it collapses in on itself. Children require a certain shedding of selfishness. Therefore, the command to “be fruitful and multiply” is not only for the benefit of the world but also for the benefit of the Christian individual. The bearing and rearing of children asks one to give much of oneself, in terms of time, body, emotion, and finances. All of this giving leads to sanctification. Birth control, in all its forms, does much to damage the theological vision of marriage as life-giving and sanctifying.

Learning the Purpose of Marriage Firsthand

Before my daughter was born, my husband and I learned a little selflessness. Marriage expands one’s heart. We both learned how to bite our tongues when we would rather say something sarcastic or biting. We learned how to care for the other even when it was inconvenient for our personal schedules. We learned how, in a limited sense, to take care of our home and our finances to best serve our new needs as a married couple.

But, in many ways, our desires were our desires. We both had jobs and were saving quite a bit of money. Our income was ours to use. We had a budget of course, but within reason we could pay the necessities (groceries, rent, bills) and still have plenty of freedom to buy whatever food, books, or objects caught our desires. Our schedules, outside of work, we crafted together and there was little consequence in deciding on a last-minute weekend trip.

When I became pregnant all this stayed the same for a time. When I reached my third trimester, and my barista job was no longer practical, our bank account shrunk. When our daughter was born and the hospital sent us the bill, our savings account shrunk even more. Our money was no longer simply for our whims. We now had very little disposable income, and we had to decide how to manage it for the three of us. We had to make choices that preserved our money so that the necessities remained affordable and so that our daughter had the little she needed.

This has remained a monthly conversation ever since she was born. We must consider her growing need for more nourishment as she becomes a toddler, her need for a sufficient wardrobe, and our desire to bless her with toys to play with. And, as we add more children to our family, we must consider what we use our savings account for. While there is great comfort in leaving this part of our bank account alone, we have had to give up some of this comfort and actually put our savings to use – but what better use do we have of our money than paying for the care that allows our children a safe entry into this world? When we look at how our bank account has shrunk our hearts are not filled with dread but with joy. Our money is being put to use for eternal purposes, for the management of our home and the care of the immortal souls that God has tasked us with the care of.

Personally, I have had to relinquish much comfort since my first positive pregnancy test, but I did not think of my discomfort often in my first pregnancy. Each wave of nausea was a reminder that I was carrying someone else with me, not just my child but our child. Our love was large enough to create other people. It was an astounding thought that helped through backaches and round ligament pain. During pregnancy, I received the question “How are you feeling” more than I can count. Towards the end of my first pregnancy, and especially when I went past my due date, I was constantly asked if I was “ready to be done.” While I was tired and anxious to meet our little girl, I was not “done” or “put out.” Many do not have pregnancies that last until the 40-week mark. I was content when I considered what I was providing my daughter through her longer-than-normal stay in my womb. Every movement, kick, punch, and roll was a reminder that she was alive, and God was sustaining her.

But there does come a certain point where one is, quite frankly, weary. Pregnancy is spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausting. When my water broke at 41 weeks and my body did not go into labor, much medication was necessary, and I had to relinquish my desire for an intervention-free birth. Her birth was full of more Pitocin than I ever wanted, and my recovery was made complicated by the surprising onset of postpartum preeclampsia.

Though it was certainly difficult, I do not look back on her birth with sorrow. None of the complications I experienced eclipse the moment my daughter was placed on my chest. She was born in September, whose birth flower is the morning glory. She was our morning glory. She was born with the sunrise, and she was our sunrise. The amazement that our marriage had made a whole new life made the Gospel so much more tangible. I was quiet with wonder and my husband wiped tears from his eyes. There is nothing quite so joyful as a healthy birth because birth is truly a testament to Christ’s love for the Church. 

As my daughter grows, and as we anticipate the arrival of the son I am currently pregnant with, I am more convinced of this reality. Her birth has expanded our love for one another and the people around us. It has increased our capacity for sacrifice, compassion, and joy. Is this not of the Gospel? Ephesians 1:7-8 states of Christ’s full and free forgiveness,

“In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight” (Ephesians 1:7-8, ESV, emphasis mine).

Christ lavishes his grace on the Church, he does not withhold. Later in Ephesians, as already discussed, Paul states of marriage that,

“This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it relates to Christ and the Church” (Ephesians 5:32, ESV).

Christ does not intend the Church to remain stagnant, in all times he has preserved the faithful and has added to their number. The Gospel message is not to remain limited to few but to be proclaimed to all, that God’s grace may be experienced by more and more people.

Therefore, if marriage is a representation of Christ and the Church, a marriage that has adopted a worldly inhospitality to children cannot fully image his outstretched arms. As Christopher West has explained, the body must be used to convey truth. Of marital intimacy, he states,

“Here, like no other moment in married life, spouses are called to participate in the ‘profound mystery’ of God’s love. But this will only happen if their sexual union accurately signifies God’s love” (West 147).

If this is so, the Church must throw off the worldly attitude it has adopted toward childbearing. Contraception does not reveal the truth of the Gospel in marriage.

This does not mean that a Christian must have twenty children. God-given common sense and wisdom would speak against this. Options like Natural Family Planning that employ abstinence are consistent with the vision of marriage provided above. This requires sacrifice but marriage and the Christian life are about denying oneself. A Christian marriage must be hospitable to children, and it cannot use means that distort its theological significance to hinder them. This is both biblical and historical. It is for the good of the Christian and the world that this is so.

While we have talked much of the sacrifice of childbearing, let me end on a note of joy. There are few moments more joyful in my life than the morning I heard my daughter’s first cries and caught sight of her sweet face for the first time. She has not ceased to bring me joy. Before the birth of our daughter, I did not know that one could be so proud of and so delighted by a toothless smile. She daily brings my husband and me such deep joy. She provides my day with joyful purpose – even on the days that are difficult. My life is fuller now than it would have been without her.

Contraception has provided the Church with a narrative of personal autonomy as fulfillment and joy. This attitude does not promote the joyful Gospel significance of children. Undoing this narrative and returning to the biblical framework for marriage and children will take time and may not be easy. But it is not impossible, and it is not sorrowful. Undoing this narrative is some of the most joyful, eternal, and profound work a person can do. It is a work of Gospel significance.

---

I realize arguing for abstinence as the only valid form of limiting family size is extremely unpopular. But I hope, with the historical, biblical, and theological backing I have provided you are willing to hear me out and see how beautiful this idea is.

As always, please share your thoughts, questions, and own wrestlings with these ideas below. I would love to discuss further!