April in Review

Life Lately

Life has been interesting this month. It’s primarily been an “at home” sort of month, other than visiting my family in Texas at the beginning of April. We enjoyed a very low key visit filled with lots of chatting, walking, good food, and visits with old friends. We also appreciated all the extra hands with the kiddos - we are quickly learning that two under two is not for the faint of heart!

While in Texas (around 6 weeks postpartum) some feeding issues arose with Baby P, who nursed great until my supply regulated. Around that time I quit dairy to rule out a dairy allergy. After briefly reintroducing dairy it does seem to be the culprit. Whomp whomp. I expected this to make food less exciting and to have to be more creative with my protein count, but I did not expect (naively) that dropping a food group would affect my energy and mood.

Since dropping dairy my energy has tanked as I’ve struggled to replace the protein I was getting from milk and cheese. I was still loosely following some tenets of the Brewer Diet and to go from a high calorie/high protein diet was a huge shift. It’s worth it to see Baby P so much more content though.

In struggling with a fussy baby and a toddler this month my mood has tanked. It’s been easy to be impatient, generally apathetic, overwhelmed, anxious, etc. Emotionally, April has been rough. And I hate to say that because I love my children. I can’t imagine life without them. But at the end of the days that are filled up with much crying and much teaching-to-obey my brain feels like the static channel on cable TV. Sometimes I forget the date. Some days I have no time to myself to dedicate to a longer period of devotion, or an uninterrupted moment simply to read and give myself over to the interests that energize my mind and heart. After so many days of this you start to feel like you’re loosing yourself. You know its ridiculous because this season of such intense need from both littles will likely pass in a few months, but still, it’s hard.

It’s hard to juxtapose the physical and the spiritual too. I desire to put to death what is fleshly in me - impatience with my family for example. But my emotions are influenced by my physical needs - like a sudden drop in protein. So, I ought not to let sin reign in me, but it is also fair to acknowledge somewhat of a physical component in this too. It’s an explanation but not an excuse.

Reading books like Hannah’s Children inspired me to desire a large family. I’ll admit that consuming lots of motherhood content on social media before becoming a mother also influenced my ideas about the loveliness of the task at hand. I read so much about the beauty and glory of motherhood. And it’s not that motherhood isn’t those things. It is those things because it is demanding and sacrificial not sentimental.

But I’m not learning from a bird’s eye view anymore. I’m learning in a forest of details. Details like changing diapers, troubleshooting breastfeeding issues while the baby cries, chasing the runaway toddler, and soothing her when new teeth make her gums ache.

I married my husband very young, we were both twenty and still in school. I did not have to wait and long for marriage and children like some I know. That was not the cross given to me. I got what I wanted very early in life and quickly learned that it was very hard.

Motherhood is the hardest thing I have ever done. But it is the best thing I have ever done. It’s beautiful in all of it’s grit.

On an incredibly different note, we bought a Costco membership this month, which was a big commitment because Costco is an hour away from us. We’re trying something new with meal planning. I used to operate under a meal plan every week and shop accordingly. This wasn’t working very well in terms of spending habits, whether that’s a flaw in my capabilities or in the system is a mystery. So I am now trying more of an anti-meal planning approach that involves stocking the pantry in such a way that I have everything I need for basic meals. Hence the Costco membership. This means rotating through lots of soups, tacos, meat/potato/veg combinations, and pasta dishes. So far it’s going very well! And I’m pleased with all the organic options at Costco. I try not to loose sleep over all the “crunchy” lifestyle, but I do prefer whole foods and organic options when they are affordable.

Of course, Easter was this month too. We tried something new and celebrated with an Easter potluck of sorts with our close friends after church. Before Baby P, we had these friends over weekly for dinner or dessert, so it was a nice change to get together for a more celebratory meal. For Baby A, her Easter basket was just books - Kevin D. Young’s The Biggest Story ABC’s (a board book version of The Biggest Story) and Marshmellow… which I did not realize was much too wordy for a 1.5 year old’s attention span… oops. She’s delighted with the first book though, and is becoming a book devourer. She constantly asks us to “read? read?” She’s a delightful little person.

Books

Theo of Golden - I wanted to love this because people I know love it. The author is a fellow Georgian and I’m 99% sure I’ve been to the coffeeshop the book takes inspiration from. It is a sweet and kindly intentioned story. But, it felt like a meandering Hallmark movie with a surprise ending. The other “3 star” raters on Goodreads suggested that the book had no stakes and was too long. I agree. There was very little motivation to keep reading, the dialogue felt off to me, and the ending was way out of left field. That said, my husband and I listened to Collin Hansen interview Allen Levi and Levi is an extremely sincere man. I admire his vision and what I believe he meant to the book to say.

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Caleb’s Crossing - The main character gave off way too many “I’m not like the other girls” vibes. Jeanette of a 4 star review on Goodreads said it best: “BETHIA'S CROSSING would be a title more indicative of the book's contents. Caleb is mostly a peripheral character. Feisty Puritan girl finds devious ways of gaining the knowledge she craves but is denied simply because she is a female. First I ever heard of someone getting a college education via eavesdropping.”

I read another book set in Puritan New England at the beginning of this year, Charis in a World of Wonders, that was much better written and navigated the tensions of duty, grace, and gender roles in Puritan culture much better. Charis was a more realistic and humble protagonist. I also found Charis in a World of Wonders to be more respectful of the past. Caleb’s Crossing felt in many ways to employ a caricature that moderns want to be true of the Puritans but is not the most charitable or realistic. In this way, it ended up being a shallower book than Charis for refusing to navigate the more difficult, but more real, tensions in Puritan society. There were some plot points, as Jeanette of Goodreads noted above, that were purely unrealistic. Nobody learns ancient Greek by eavesdropping. Sorry. Go read Charis in a World of Wonders instead. Seriously an excellent book.

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Ina May’s Guide to Breastfeeding - Lots of good advice on common nursing issues. As with her book on birth, I especially appreciate all the anecdotes included. Women are relational creatures and reading about other women’s experiences really increases that feeling of solidarity. I do think more practical advice could have been included. This was very much an overview.

Chapters on relactation were super fascinating!

I also thought the second to last chapter on “nipplephobia” was interesting. Gaskin rightly points out that breasts have been over sexualized to the point that nursing openly in public is embarrassing or “gross”. As a young mother I struggle with feelings of awkwardness even with a cover so I totally get this. (But sometimes the cover in it of itself is awkward?) She suggests that we, as mothers, simply ignore our current culture and nurse confidently in public - sans cover. While I appreciate the ardor I’m not sure this is the best advice considering the nature of our culture and its over sexualization of breasts. Not sure what the best solution is. Sure nursing should be more normalized in public and should be viewed as a nurturing act. But flaunting it still seems dramatic and uncomfortable? There are ways to discreetly nurse in public without a cover without making a dramatic statement. (T-shirts, nursing dresses). Idk. There’s definitely a problem but it’s a hard one to navigate. Thoughts from more experienced mothers are welcomed!

Online Media

The Virtue of Motherhood: Helen Roy - Maiden Mother Matriarch - The postpartum season can feel lonely and Helen and Louise’s discussion of the loss of women’s spaces was validating. They also discussed motherhood as some of the most dignifying work, a notion that is lost to those who would frame it as a “lesser” option. Rather, it is one of the most glorious jobs because it requires so much physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

Habits and Practices for Mother Academia: An Interview With Hayley Baumeister of Life Considered - A wonderful discussion on the intellectual life/process. I thoroughly enjoyed this conversation just like I enjoy Hayley’s newsletter!

Now Available to Pre-order: “The Divided Soul: Duty and Desire in Literature and Life” by Heidi White - Close Reads has long been a favorite podcast of mine and I cannot wait for Heidi’s book to come out. Really hoping a discussion of Jane Eyre is in there somewhere!

Where Should Babies Come From: Upstream, Matthew Lee Anderson - Great discussion of IVF and the problem of separating baby making from physical union. I really want to buy a copy of Begotten or Made now. Also would be helpful for an essay I have in mind…

I Don’t Want This: Sheologians - Good discussion about what happens when God gives us what we don’t want. Spoiler, He is still good.

I’m a mother, not a “caregiver”: A Warm Hearth, Emily Phillips - The semantics of this conversation about mother/caregiver reminds me very much about the question of spouse/best friend. In both instances it seems to be a both/and with greater importance on the first word. In both instances the first word is more noble and encompasses the second.

Coffees

Everything is the same but with oatmilk. ✨Organic✨ oatmilk. Meaning just watery oats. 🙃 Could not justify consuming seed oil lattes everyday. So now my coffee budget is not really for going out but for buying organic oatmilk.

Recipes

Not lots of recipes to share this month considering the “shop your pantry” mentality I’m trying to employ. Like I said, I’ve found rotating through simple meal ideas more cost effective and time saving in this season.

I’ve been trying to replace the protein I got from dairy but that has been challenging. Discovered frozen chicken nuggets are loaded with protein. And also seed oils. But win some lose some right? Seed oil free oatmilk means a little seed oil in my nuggets is okay right?

I have really enjoyed these dairy free chocolate chip cookies. They’re made with coconut oil which makes them spread out a bit more but they still manage to be somewhat fluffy. But, if we’re honest, nothing can replace butter.

My husband’s birthday is next month and I’d love some dairy free cake suggestions!

That’s a wrap folks. Tell me how your April was!

April in Photos